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January 14, 2010

I don’t think I’ll ever know what I truly want. The things I can want in live change from moment to moment — so it’s VERY hard for me to decipher what I want most.

For instance, in the course of one day, (yesterday) I wanted, at different times, to:
1. Climb a tree
2. Live in the woods
3. Write an awe-inspiring essay that could offer someone — anyone — a break from the difficulties of their day
4. Make a crowd of people laugh
5. Engage in a stimulating debate over an issue I feel extremely passionate about
6. Build a fort and live in it briefly
7. Run up a mountain
8. Scream at the top of my lungs
9. Ask someone a thought-provoking question
10. Dance like HELL
11. Write a song
12. Play the HARMONICA
13. Listen to HOURS and HOURS of the beatles
14. Play Green Day songs on the guitar WAAAAAY too loud

And yet I realize that there is simply not enough time in the day for me to do everything I want to do — so how do I choose? How can I separate the things I love into categories? Into levels? Do I simply choose the things I love LESS and ignore them? Or do I spread myself thinly enough to just barely cover all my bases? I don’t have TIME to be confused!

And then there are the things that I HAVE to do that take up soooo much time. Like:
1. Sleep — WHY must I sleep!? I wish it wasn’t ABSOLUTELY necessary, but it is! There isn’t enough time in my LIFE for me to sleep!
2. Walk to different destinations — Getting there is half the battle for me. The moment someone invents a teleportation device, can someone let me know? Thanks.
3. Schoolwork for classes that I have no interest in whatsoever.– Statistics? Really? Are you REALLY going to take up 90 minutes of my time AND my life and force me to learn things that are completely uninteresting and irrelevant to my life?

Why can’t I find a balance? I NEED to find a balance. It’s somewhere out there, and I just need to find it — maybe I just have to keep walking so I can reach it! Maybe I should start running there? But in which direction do I go? The searching is taking up MORE TIME. Time that I don’t have. Time that I don’t want to give up. Time that is so patently NOT on my side.

I would like to take this opportunity to formally apologize for whatever I did to Time in the past, in hopes that he/she might treat me better in the near future.

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