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June 21, 2010

Hi, world! I’m back from college! I’m home now! At least, that’s what I like to think…

Yes. I am back from college. And yes, I do currently — temporarily — reside at 4407 Dulcinea Court, which, once upon a time, was, in fact, home. But now, I don’t know if I can truly call it that.

4407 Dulcinea Court is a beautiful place. It’s warm, loving, safe, comfortable. It is a place that is filled to the brim with people I love dearly — it is home to the people I love most in this world. But it is not my home anymore. It is not the real world for me. It’s — how do I put it? Even I don’t really know what to call it anymore. I guess you could say it’s … limbo.

4407 Dulcinea Court is no longer real life. It is limbo. It is a place I go to see loved ones, recharge, and prep for real life — the life I have in Evanston, Illinois at 1820 Chicago Avenue.

This whole real life/fake life realization is one I’ve only just made — and if I’m being honest, I’m still wrapping my head around it. Believe me, even I don’t completely understand it yet. All I can be sure of, though, is that my life isn’t in California anymore.  It’s in Illinois.

This thought first hit me on, about, the third day I was back. I remember meeting a very cute boy and thinking, “Wow, he’s cute,” but immediately afterwards, thinking, “Wait — what’s the point? I’m only going to be here for a couple more months …” and then I realized: the relationships I make here aren’t really REAL anymore. They’re just … temporary. That’s what they are. And any relationship I form here, I do so with the understanding that it’s not really real. I can’t really let myself become attached to anyone here because I know I’ll never see them again. They aren’t in my real life. They’re only in limbo.

And then it hit me — I can’t really feel when I’m here. I can have emotions, but I have to numb them — suppress them. I can’t really open my heart and let anyone in because, well, why go through that pain, you know? I can’t fully live, I can only live halfway. I can live like I’m in limbo.

In the great words of Blink-182: Well, I guess this is growing up.

One Comment leave one →
  1. June 26, 2010 5:27 pm

    It’s just a different reality, a temporary reality. But that’s no reason to numb yourself. Experience what’s presented to you without thought of the future. Who knows? You might make some fabulous memories!

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