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Houston, we have a problem: Eclipse

June 30, 2010

I just saw the movie Eclipse — and I wish I hadn’t.
What kind of bullshit is Summit Entertainment trying to shove down our throats? Is this supposed to be the epic love story of our generation? Am I supposed to look up to any of these characters? Was I supposed to leave that god-forsaken movie theatre tonight with the uplifting sensation that love conquers all?

All I got out of that movie was a pain in my ass and confusion rattling all throughout my brain. I’m still confused. And, to be honest, that movie was over two hours long, so my ass still hurts a bit, too.

So, for starters, let’s talk about Bella — our movie’s heroine. Does literature or film know of any more selfish, boring or pathetic character? I think not. As I sat in that movie theatre — squished in between an enormous, pimply “Team Jacob” fan and a gangly, greasy haired metal-mouth (or brace face … if you prefer) — watching Kristin Stewart’s monotonous portrayal of the sadly predictable, pale and, ultimately, pathetic Bella Swan, I couldn’t help but think, “What the hell?”

And this is why:

1. She’s bagged the most attractive vampire in the universe and somehow, he’s fallen madly, insanely and, as I will address later, disgustingly in love with her. HOW? She is void of personality, passion and any form of sex appeal.

2. What is her redeeming characteristic? Lord knows it’s not because she’s a riot — it’s not like when you’re deciding who you want to invite to your party, you’d say, ‘Dude, whatever you do, make sure Bella Swan is there. That girl really knows how to get a party started!’ She’s not funny, interesting, smart or unique. Oh yeah, that’s right: she’s uniquely weak and uncoordinated. Yeah — that’s, uh … that’s quite something there Bella. You really are a one-of-a-kind. And by “one-of-a-kind” I mean that there is absolutely nothing unusual about you. Nothing. Except for the fact that vampires wanna kill you and bang you at the same time. That’s kinda unusual. Moving on …

3. Oh yeah, I forgot — isn’t her redeeming quality supposed to be that her love for Edward surpasses all things? That, while she may not be physically strong, her love for Edward gives her strength in a different kind of way? That her love for Edward makes her a better person? That, above all, she is loyal to Edward and the Cullen clan and would never — upon pain of death — do anything to let them down? Yeah — that was it. Oh … but wait … doesn’t she make out with that wolf/sex-toy guy right in front of the man who has given up his life for her? Huh. Well then. At least, since she did make out with the shirtless kid right in front of her boyfriend, (and you know, since he can read minds, that act of infidelity wasn’t gonna stay under wraps for long) he at least has the chance to act accordingly. Which brings me to …

4. WHAT THE HELL, EDWARD? WHERE ARE YOUR BALLS? Or did you also somehow lose those along with your soul? Yeah, I knew you sucked blood, but I didn’t know you just sucked in general — that is until I saw this movie. So, let me get this straight, Ed: this pasty, puny pathetic piece of shit (who you inexplicably have a thing for) toys with your heart for around an hour and a half (movie time). You risk your life and your family members’ lives to save her from vampires that want to kill her and thus effectively end this damned Twilight Saga massacre of modern film and literature. Then, after you’ve laid EVERYTHING on the line for her, she runs off — right in front of you, mind you — and proceeds to make out with that wolf-man-boy who you hate with a burning (well, I guess, in your case, freezing) passion. A;SLDKFJA;LDW?!?!? And then you do … nothing? You don’t  even say, “Hey, um, Bella, uh, if you don’t mind my asking, darling: wtf?” You are literally her bitch throughout the whole movie — and she uses you like someone with explosive diarrhea uses toilet paper (and lemme tell you — that ain’t pretty).

So, at the end of this movie — I was confused. “Who do I hate more?” I thought. I was so torn, but then I realized, “Hey — this doesn’t need to be hard: I can just hate the whole, entire movie!”

And so now I do. But this all leads me to a different worry (and future topic of anger): Other people — especially women — went absolutely gaga over this movie. And that scares me, enrages me, and, once again, confuses me. What is there to love about this movie? Yes: there is a very, very attractive shirtless man who makes appearances at various points throughout the movie. And yes, the faces of the characters in the movie are tremendously aesthetically pleasing — but THAT’S ALL FOLKS! Truly, there is nothing else that is redeeming about Eclipse.

Which character should we, as women identify with? Bella? The scrawny, vapid, cheating loser? Edward? The controlling, unreasonable, creepy stalker? Jacob? The home-wrecking jailbait? I don’t understand it. I don’t understand how a script like that could be written, then other people read it and say, “Yeah, that’ll work,” then actors read that script and say, “Yeah, I’ll act in that,” and then fans see it and say, “OMGZZ I LOVED THAT IT WAS TOTES THE BEST MOVIE OF THE SUMMER AAHHHH.”

Why am I so alone? Please — tell me I’m not alone! Tell me you felt the same way. Tell me, so I can retain some shred of faith in humanity.

3 Comments leave one →
  1. June 30, 2010 11:35 am

    The soundtrack was pretty baller though… haha.
    Also you gotta admit, best line of the movie:

    Jacob: Let’s be honest- we both know I’m hotter than you.


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