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America? No. No, dammit!

August 9, 2010

It’s real. It’s actually real. When I first saw this video, I thought it was some tasteless joke — I thought that, because not only was the commercial terribly made, but also because the product was unfathomably disgusting, that this must be some dumb, satirical joke on how disgusting America could be. But of course it couldn’t be real, because. even though we’ve all joked about it, America could never stoop THAT low.

But then, I got a reality check-mate.

I went to Jamba Juice’s official website and saw it — the link to the Cheeseburger Chill Smoothie.

And then I thought, “well, that’s it.” I’m done being an American. I officially give up on America.

George Bush was elected to a second term, I still held on. When KFC came out with their “Chicken and Biscuit Bowl,” I still held on. And, for Christ’s sake, the Glenn Beck Program has been on television since 2002, and I have still soldiered on.

But I simply cannot call this country home when it is also home to the Cheeseburger Chill Smoothie. I refuse. This atrocity will not stand.

I may live in this country, and I may technically be a “citizen,” but this sure as hell is not my country. I disown it. I’m done. That’s it. Just because I live in America doesn’t mean that I am an American. I feel that (especially after coming to the chilling conclusion that the Cheeseburger Chill Smoothie is, in fact, a real thing) the adjective “American” is one of the worst insults you can throw at a person.

From now on, I would rather be referred to as “sane,” or “not a gluttonous, lazy, disgusting bigot.”

Yeah, I think that if I can live my life as anything BUT American, I’ll be good.

3 Comments leave one →
  1. Gus Hastalis permalink
    August 10, 2010 9:29 am


  2. Medill F permalink
    August 10, 2010 1:26 pm

    • emiliab9291 permalink*
      August 10, 2010 1:49 pm

      Well, I still hate America — but for other reasons now.

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