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Off to college … again

September 12, 2010

So, tomorrow, I’m going to wake up at 5:30 a.m., and start a new year at college … again. I did this last year. It was scarier last year — but that doesn’t mean that this year isn’t daunting in it’s own way.

I’m not exactly sure about how I feel. Of course, there’s the feeling of excitement burning within me. Seeingfriends, experiencing new things, learning, living, all that jazz — that’s exciting. I can’t wait for that. Bring that shit ON!

But also, of course, there’s anxiety. There’s nervous energy. There are questions that have yet to be answered. So many questions. So many expectations that have yet to be met or missed. So many, so many,  so many …

And there’s the strange sensation I can’t quite place. It’s the leaving home feeling. I’m not really sure what that feeling is, or how to describe that feeling.

I mean, this whole summer, all I’ve really wanted to do was get back to college and begin living again — or at least what I thought was living. But this summer, I’ve felt so alive that I’m not sure what I thought I was missing out on earlier this season. I’ve been me — unfiltered. It’s been fun. It’s been fulfilling. It’s been revolutionary. It’s been … kinda … short?

But I’m ready. I’m ready to go back to school. I know I’m ready. I’m ready.

I’m ready, right?

It’s a difficult thing: going to school, coming back, leaving, coming back. It’s really hard. I get attached. Leaving for college the first time was hard because I was leaving everything I had ever known for the uncertainty and the volatility of college. Then, I fell in love with college. That became my home. Friends turned into family, and even though I always had my family back in California, it all seemed so far away, and Illinois became my true reality.

Then, I had to leave again. I had fought all year to understand the previously unknown, and that new place became my home. I came back to a place that I had originally called home but was no longer home for me. It was Limbo. But, once again, I (along with the love and help of my family) made it home, and I fell in love with it all over again.

And now I have to leave. Again. And it’s hard. It even hurts. Well, it does for me.

So it makes me think: well, I don’t want to keep leaving, and coming back, and leaving, and coming back. It’s just too damned difficult to do.

So then, what do I do?

Next summer, I might be interning in New York City. That means I won’t be coming home (to California) for the summer. Which means I won’t have the opportunity to nest and once again make it home. Which means that college will remain home for me.

Which means that the place in which my family lives won’t be my home.

Which means … well, what does it mean?

Does it mean I’m officially a grown-up? Am I officially too old for my family? Am I ready to face the real world by myself? Do I have to face the real world by myself? I don’t think I want to. I don’t think I’m ready — yet. But I think I’m getting there.

Hey guys, I just turned 19. I guess this is growing up.

4 Comments leave one →
  1. Gus Hastalis permalink
    September 12, 2010 3:31 pm

    hey, don’t sweat. you can always go home — and you’re lucky to have a family who loves you wherever you are, whatever you do. If you’re in New York, watch out: they will all probably show up!

    Watch usage of “its” in first line…

    Love you madly!

  2. September 13, 2010 12:50 pm

    I was a joy to share the summer with you! Now, on to new adventures in Evanston. 30 years after I graduated from NU, Evanston still feels like home when I’m there. I suspect it will always feel that way to you, too. Have a great sophomore year, have fun — and know your family is with you wherever you are.

  3. September 15, 2010 1:33 pm

    You’re never too old for your family 🙂

  4. September 27, 2010 5:11 pm

    yeah my dad will like this

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