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The Tender Tale of The Taco Bell Challenge

October 14, 2010

Friends, Romans, Countrymen — the story which I am about to relate to you is not for the faint of heart. If your mind, ears, soul or conscience are tender things, you should look away from this blog post. But, if you are firm of will and strong in resolve, read on, my friend, read on.

Last night, a dear companion of mine and I embarked upon a mission from which few ever return. It was a moment we’d anticipated, feared and wanted for weeks, and it was a moment that marked our destiny.

‘Neath Northwestern’s arch we met and embarked upon our journey. Down Chicago Avenue we strode, heads held high, our morale even higher. Up Clark Street and on to Sherman we soldiered. We didn’t look back. We didn’t think twice. We marched right into Taco Bell and met our challenge.

Side Note: For those of you who are innocent of mind, I shall tell you what the Taco Bell Challenge is. One brave human must walk into a Taco Bell restaurant armed with nothing but a 20 dollar bill and an empty stomach. This person will then order anything and everything that that $20 can get them, and then, within an hour, consume it all.

My friend and I knew that what we were doing was crazy. People told us it couldn’t be done — that it was ludicrous. But we didn’t heed their harsh words of caution — we had a dream. And whether or not we’d be successful in reaching it, we sure as hell were going to give it everything we had.

We entered the Taco Bell with $40 and left with two CrunchWrap Supremes, a Gordita Supreme, two Volcano Nachos, two Chicken Quesadillas, a 7-layer Burrito, a Grilled Stuft Burrito, two CinnaTwists, a Burrito Supreme, an XXL Chalupa and a Mexi Melt.

We were ready.

On to the radio show! we cried. We entered into Louis Hall and set forth upon our mission. Minutes later, the Volcano Nachos had been annihilated — we were going strong. Like a river bursting through the dam that tries to hold it back, we refused to be constrained by the limits of our stomachs. We were going for broke, and we were feeling good.

Next, Chicken Quesadillas. They didn’t stand a chance. The CrunchWrap Supreme came and went without a murmur. We


The typical amount of food consumed during a Taco Bell Challenge.


felt stronger than ever — maybe a little too strong. We had no clue what was in store for us.

Then, trouble reared it’s ugly, wailing head. I launched myself upon the Grilled Stuft Burrito and my faithful friend dove into his 7-layer Burrito. I fought that Grileld Stuft Burrito like a Gladiator fights for his life. I’d knock it out, but it kept on coming. So much rice, so much sour cream — so many things wrapped up in tortilla I couldn’t even taste at that point. I ate. I ate mindlessly. I didn’t know what I was eating but I battled on. I looked over at my friend and a tear came to my eye when I saw the determination with which he was choking down his 7-layer Burrito. He was a champion, he was ready for the next stage. I was languishing. He moved on to his XXL Chalupa, while I lingered and continued my fight with the Grilled Stuft Burrito.

Minutes and minutes of battle and mindless consumption, and suddenly, I realized there were only several bites left of my Grilled Stuft Burrito. I smote that burrito within seconds and I looked upon the masses of wrappers before me: symbols of my victories. But then, alas! I looked upon what I had yet to conquer: CinnaTwists, a MexiMelt and a Burrito Supreme. I simply could not go on. I knew I had to bow out — and then I


How my companion and I felt after attempting the Taco Bell Challenge.


looked at my friend.

He was fighting like Achilles. Battling the beans, diving into hot sauce, slaying tortilla after tortilla. But I saw weariness in his eyes. So I urged him on, “Go, Jesse, go!” He finished the XXL Chalupa, he annihilated the Gordita Supreme. All that was left was a Steak Burrito and a pack of CinnaTwists. And there, at that moment, my brave warrior of a friend could not go on.

Neither of us completed the Taco Bell Challenge.

You may look upon our endeavor with disgust. You may frown upon our lifestyle choices, or you may not like Taco Bell (may God have mercy upon your soul…).

But I refuse to look upon that night as a failure — nay! Instead, I look upon it as a night when two young fighters tried to live out their dream. I see it as a night that I reached for the moon, missed, but still landed among the stars. (Admittedly, I have been seeing stars ever since…) We may not have completed the Taco Bell Challenge, but we didn’t give up without a fight. We persevered, we went as far as we could go, and we left with the satisfaction of knowing that we left no morsel uneaten without proper cause (aka: we were literally going to projectile vomit all over everything…ever).

Who knows if I’ll ever participate in the Taco Bell Challenge again? I may, I may not. But if there is a next time, the world better watch out. I’ve made it halfway up that mountain — and I’ll be goddamned if I’m going to stop climbing!

5 Comments leave one →
  1. October 15, 2010 10:27 am

    You are my hero. That’s quite an account of your battle. Though you have inspired me to head to Taco Bell for lunch, I will NOT try the Taco Bell Challenge this afternoon. Given my menu preferences, $20 would buy me about 10 soft tacos and four been and cheese burritos. I’d never make it.

    Then again, maybe I can…

    • emiliab9291 permalink*
      October 15, 2010 2:45 pm

      Speak not of failure! Glory can be yours, if you choketh down the tortilla …

  2. rob permalink
    October 17, 2010 10:00 am

    This is so wrong on so many levels. But funny!

  3. rob permalink
    October 17, 2010 10:06 am

    This is so wrong on so many levels. But funny! “Funny tummy or die”

  4. December 1, 2010 1:28 am

    makes me want to drink alchoholic beverages

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