Tech-no-lo-jerk

Hey 21st century, what’s up? Nothin’ much. Just chillin’. What’s that? What? Oh, you’re having a party? Really? No, I DON’T wanna go to your party. I refuse to be a part of your posse. Oh, you think you’re all that. Well, you know what? …Okay, well, you might actually be pretty cool. But hey, I still don’t wanna go to your party. Since when did I do things that were considered “cool” anyways? I mean, for chrissakes, I still wear Paul Frank pajama pants. I rest my case.

I’m not getting an iPhone. I won’t do it. I’m still not sure why I’m not doing it — but I’m not. I’m pretty sure it’s because of some principle I have, but I”m not exactly sure which principle it is yet. But it’s one of ’em — once I pick it, I’ll let you guys know.

Why is it that I think cell phones should be used for calling people? Oh yeah, because cell phones should be used for calling people. And cameras are used for taking pictures of people. And computers are used for everything else. Putting all of those things in one little, tiny robot-thing is just … well … I don’t know what it is. And I’m not even sure why I don’t want to be a part of it. I just refuse.

Maybe this is just be being an obstinate asshole. Maybe. Or …

…Maybe it’s just my reverence for the past that’s keeping me away from the iPhone. Looking at my piece of shit brick cell phone that’s my current connection to civilization, I remember my childhood, youth, and the joys of innocence and curiosity that comes with adolescence. Yes, my phone was made in 2009 — but compared to the phones everyone else has now-a-days, it could have been made in the stone age. Frankly, it could be the thing the cavemen created right after fire. Fire, cell phone, the wheel, BAM. You’ve got civilization.

And I’m not usually like this. Well, yes, I’m usually an asshole — I was referring to the whole “change is bad” ‘tude. I’m down with change! Hell if I coulda, I woulda voted for Obama in ’08. I love trying new things, going to new places, meeting new friends, digging new holes in secluded areas of national parks … (don’t ask, trust me, it’s better for both of us if you don’t … )

But with this whole technology thing … I guess, deep down, I realize what a dumbass I’m being. Well, it’s not even deep down, really. I fully realize I’m being an ignorant hillbilly. But when you get to things like Twitter and iPhones and over 1,000 channels on your TV — don’t all these new-fangled shenanigans start to seem like overkill?

Remember the days (10 years ago, mind you … not even) when, if you wanted to say hi to someone, you called them up? There was no texting bullshit. Remember when you wanted to get to know someone, so you asked them to hang out? There was no Facebook-stalking bullshit. Remember when you wanted to watch a TV show, so you actually watched it when it came on? There was no Hulu bullshit. (I love you, Hulu. I’m sorry for disrespecting you just now. I’m just trying to make a point here … just work with me on this one.)

Am I nostalgic? Am I dumb? Am I sentimental? Am I crusading for a lost cause? Yes, yes, yes and DEFINITELY. But hey, I’m still gonna fight the good fight. I’ll answer calls on my phone, check e-mails on my computer and take pictures with my camera. And I’ll do that until someone pries my separate pieces of outdated technology from my cringing hands and slaps an iPhone or iPad or a TamPad in there … whatever. Or I’ll just keep doing it until they halt production on my power chords ’cause they’re so, like, two months ago.